The Lemon Detox

Posted on December 11, 2008


PhotobucketThe family has a goal – an invisible goal with a short window of opportunity to work towards. We probably talked about it in all casualness over a meal one day and took it upon ourselves to achieve that in whatever ways possible.

The quest? To lose some weight and look sexy on our wedding day!

Come to think of it, how we put the weight on remains a mystery. Surely we haven’t eaten that many La Ionica chickens (thank you Grantham Street Charcoal Chicken!), gorged ourselves silly on Godfather’s Pizza ($6.90 for a large pizza – BARGAIN) or had one too many cookies and cream ice cream? Nawwww…surely not?!

While I went back to my sports-filled youth days by strapping the runners on and clocking up the mileage, eating smaller portions and not snacking after 10pm, Michele has taken a more errr, holistic, approach and tried out a number of ‘Hollywood’ diet programmes.

Now at the risk of getting thrown out of bed and sleeping without her warmth breath down my neck, I said ‘Hollywood’ as these are expensive, one-size-fits-all, instant results (how you define results it completely up to you, and provided you stick with the programme) and frankly, rather painful to watch.

The Lemon Detox programme is one of the latest line of instant diets that actually work. I say this with unmoving emotion because Michele’s cousin had the gall to subject herself to 10 days of liquid diet and loss around 5kg in that period. Frankly, I tip my hat to her. That is fucking amazing. It’s great to live, eat, drink and be merry. Once in a while a mandatory look at your well-being matters too. But I could and would never EVER be able to live on that.

Lauded by the Australian media (if you consider the junk from A Current Affair newsworthy, I’d really have to question your journalistic instinct), tried and tested by thousands of Australian women (and more over the world), it’s doing so well, stocks have completely run out (at the time of writing) and customers can only expect the next batch to arrive from 18 December.

I’ve promised Michele I’ll be unequivocally neutral with this topic. She isn’t too keen on the idea of her diet being broadcasted to netizens, and she’s acutely aware of my disapproval to the programme. She’s been kind enough to allow me taking pictures of her preparing the drink (left), so I will not abuse the trust. There are more natural, less painful ways to lose weight. But for the purpose of this ‘experiment’, I’ll be sitting on the fence.

The standard pack (which Michele purchased) sells for $87, comes with 1 litre of natural tree syrup (can’t quite understand the bottling though; I could mistake it for a bottle of olive oil), a packet of pure ground cayenne pepper, a packet of organic senna tea leaves and a packet of sea salt. A free copy of the Lemon Detox Book is also thrown in. Strangely enough, lemons aren’t provided. Outrageous, after spending $87 plus shipping, we’re still required to source for lemons? They’re $0.25 each for god’s sake.

Now because I don’t stand for instant diet programmes that cost a whole lot of money, I will not elaborate on how the drink is prepared. In all honesty I know nothing about it as Michele’s a big girl and she’s able to handle herself. I’ve spied some interesting kitchen paraphernalia sitting atop the kitchen counter lately, with half-squeezed lemons, strange coloured concoctions and having more to wash up in the kitchen after.

Michele’s currently on the fifth day of a seven-day detox programme. I think she’d set her goals to a more realistic level after falling really sick (I’ll leave the gory details out) on the first day, but she’d since recovered and realised it’s better to take tiny steps. Her cousin had gone with guns blazing and went on the complete 10 days detox programme. I wonder what a harrowing experience it must have been.

Amazingly, after drinking nothing but liquids for five days, Michele hasn’t paled out on me, collapsed, felt weak (or so I was told) or had any major complications (apart from the first day). Well, stay tuned as I will definitely report on the ‘prognosis’ of this intriguing case. Just how much weight has Michele lost?

Watch this space.