Toilet Mannerisms

Posted on October 29, 2009


Hello all, I hope you have been well.

I had the worst case of the runs two nights ago after consuming too many dried apricots (They’re so sweet and juicy!) during lunch. Somebody must have forgotten to tell me apricots have a laxative effect because I went through them like apricots were The Holy Grail of fruits.

Of course, not being much of a fruit person – I prefer vegetables – didn’t help as apples meant as much as an orange to me. They’re round and colourful. Ooh, can I throw it at someone?

So here I was, getting acquainted with the dunny. It was a warm Spring day so my bare buttock didn’t experience a cold jolt upon sitting on the seat.


With half a packet left; the fruit that started it all.

Armed with a laptop on my thighs and a fresh roll of toilet paper, it was all systems go.

In most cases, humans aren’t able to smell their own farts or excrement. Well, perhaps I’m wrong but very seldom do I detect faecal matter wafting through my nostrils.

Well I knew it’s a bad day at the office when the most repugnant stench permeated the air, and I even saw the need to stop working on my laptop just to focus on breathing.

Of course, there was no need to air the toilet. My toilet door was open, as I had no need to be embarrassed or ashamed if anybody caught me doing the deed.

After all, the only person at home was Michele. And she’s my wife.

Before I knew it, there was a yell from upstairs.

“Oh baby that absolutely sthinks! OH BABY!”

Wow, I didn’t think it was that bad.

To make matter worse, Michele had the temerity to share my toilet bungle with her female work mates the next day. Just so happens they’ve known me for several years – I attend their work functions regularly – so at that very moment I knew my credibility as a husband and friend went out the window.

Now everybody pictures me leaving a long toilet paper trail as I attempted to clean my mess.

Woe is me. It’s all a bit of a laugh, but I feel compelled to validate my actions.

Honey, I’m not comparing my runs with yours but do you remember all those times I was in the shower stall and you were doing your business in the toilet? Now where did they come from? They absolutely PONG!

“Direct from Colombo!” I always tell her; so vile the stench was I felt it was necessary to make fun of her ethnicity.

We’re also married. I know it’s a woman thing, but why can’t you guys just accept the fact that is takes too long for men to close and open the door. We’d rather remove, sit and be relieved without having to worry about the intrusive invasions of women who have seen us naked far too many times!

This, coming from the same people who wanted their husbands to remove their inhibitions, strip off their cloths and have sex with them as they are ovulating!

And babe, remember our wedding vows to each other?! You took me as your lawfully-wedded husband, which meant you will deal with all the crap and excess baggage that came along with it. You’re lucky, at least this ‘crap’ is bio-degradable and once the smell oxidises, no traces of it remain.

Very much unlike our marriage, for it’s here to stay!